Broken...But Not Broke

I have a disclosure to make: In my past I've been an uncaring, hard-hearted person.  Oh, don't get me wrong...I have always cared about people.  I'm a minister...  I wouldn't be doing what I do if I didn't love people and enjoy their presence.  But, you can be around people so much that you can reach a point where you don't notice them.  And you can reach a point where you don't care if you don't.

And when that happens, you become "task-oriented"...  Ministry becomes a series of jobs to be done; a checklist of items that must be finalized each week because you run week-to-week in this life.  (Great irony: as I type this blog, someone stopped in to see me and talk.) Sunday's come - many things to be completed.  Wednesday is almost here - a Bible study to prepare & finalize.  Devotionals to write.  Meetings to attend.  Research to dive into.  People to minister to.  The list goes on...

And all it takes to become cynical and callous is to let a few tough people in your life convince you that EVERYONE has an agenda.  A hidden one...a selfish one...a hurtful one.  And it becomes easy (and in our minds, probably necessary) to build walls and put everyone at a safe distance.

And that's where I WAS...  Emphasis on WAS.

All that changed for me on December 9, 2015...  The day I lost my son to a tragic death that was totally unexpected.

Disclosure number two: I have never been an overly emotional person.  I have faced different emotions in the course of my life, but the goal was to hide it.  Don't let anyone see it.  For me, the goal become to pretend they don't exist - fight back tears.  Hold it in.  Be tough...  Because that's what being a man is about, right?...

On that tragic night I watched my kids have an emotional experience I hope I never witness again.  I saw my wife at her worst moment.  I was numb.  This couldn't be real.  If there was ever a definition for the term "surreal" - I was experiencing it to the maximum.  

And I didn't know how to deal with it.  I didn't want to.  And again, I tried to hold everything inside and hide it.  Suppress it.  Not only that night...but I did so for weeks - which became months.  But I reached a point where I simply couldn't do that anymore.  I had to let that stuff OUT.  And one way you do that is by letting others IN.  Not everyone - because I knew not everyone could handle this.  But those closest to me...I finally let them in.

Slowly - in a day-by-day process, I started to get in touch with my emotions.  I had to, or it would have destroyed me.  I'm not perfect at it (who is?).  But I'm getting there...

And the greatest thing God has done with this part of me: he's shown me how to care for OTHERS again.  To have real compassion - "to suffer with."  To step into their feelings and to understand where they're coming from - and the depth of that pain.

Yesterday, April 27, 2016 - will be a moment I will never forget.  I found myself in a hospital room in Tampa sitting with a man named Nick, as well as his mother.  Before December 9th, I never even knew who Nick was.  But now he's a friend for life...

You see, Nick is a recipient of one of my son's organs - a kidney.  Without going into great detail, we discovered each other through Facebook.  The details lined up - clearly Nick was the man who had received Jaret's organ donation.  Yesterday, we met face-to-face for the first time.  It was an overwhelming moment.  Nick shared his story - and it was a long journey of pain, waiting, discouragement and hope.  But he still has a long battle ahead.  As I listened, my heart was breaking.  I realized: every single one of us has "a story" - don't we...  

As we were getting ready to leave, we wanted to have prayer together.  The four of us held hands - Kristi & I, and Nick & his mom.  I led the prayer.  I got about 3 sentences in, and I just broke down in tears...I couldn't even say another word.  I tried again, but nothing would come out.  And instead of being ashamed of that moment, I just stopped...  And something happened: the four of us simply collapsed on each other in one big hug.  We just held each other.  I didn't say much more...I couldn't.  I knew in that one moment that all of my pain AND all of my joy collided...  All I could say was "God, be with Nick...help him get well...we love him.  In Jesus' name, Amen."  

I am a broken man...but I am not broke.

Changes...

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog here.  One of the items on my personal to-do list is to get back into the habit of writing here.  Not because I feel I have some great piece of wisdom to impart that makes me look intelligent or needed by the masses, but because I understand part of my ministry is to help others find their way to Christ in a more meaningful way.  We are all aware that life is a journey - somewhat like a modern role-playing video game, it has endless options for us to roam.  However, truth be told, many of us are confined to responsibilities that include jobs, family - obligations that keep us centered and grounded within a certain locale.  But each day provides us with new opportunities...challenges...possibilities.  Many are positive.  Some can be life-changing...

I am in a phase of life right now that a year ago (for reference point) I could have never imagined.  Four & a half months ago our oldest son, Jaret, was killed in a car accident.  We later put our home up for sale, concluding through family discussions & prayer times that moving would help in the healing process.  The plan was to rent somewhere near our current location - and we had found a place we wanted to rent.  (Thankfully that didn't work - a story for another day).  And a little over two weeks ago, it came to be through a conversation with my leadership that a new ministry opportunity would be in the best interest of myself and the congregation I serve.  Sounds simple, right??...

When faced with life's challenges, we are left with choices...  Not just decisions about what to do, where to go, and when to do so.  No, it's deeper than that...  We are also challenged by the ATTITUDE in which we face them!  If we are doing life with God's intentions for us at the forefront of all we do, one thing becomes clear: CHANGE is inevitable!  Not just change for the sake of change itself, but change that comes with a DEEPER PURPOSE.  A GOD-DEFINED purpose...

I've been ministering with my congregation, Brooksville Christian Church, for nearly 12 years.  Serving this long in one location has taught me many life lessons: maturity, growth in God's Word, endurance, wisdom, prayer, understanding people...and the list goes on.  I have done many positive things here over the years.  I've made a number of mistakes as well.  And though it's hard for some to accept, it's time for a CHANGE in my life.  Not a knee-jerk reaction to what has happened with our son.  No, this was in the works for quite some time - it's just that nobody knew.  Myself included...

Back in late 2014, I remember sitting down with a blank piece of notebook paper...  I started sketching out potential ideas for my ministry plans at BCC.  I didn't want to become stagnant - going through the motions.  I also knew then the church needed a spark of life.  That we would need fresh ideas - we needed God to show up.  In short: I knew that 2015 was going to be a key year which would serve to be critical to my future ministry with BCC.  I also knew in my heart that as 2015 was drawing to a close, well before Jaret's death in December, that a potential ministry relocation was a possibility.  It was becoming clear the time for something new was needed...  Things were happening that drew me to conclusions that a potential ministry change would be inevitable.  But like Nehemiah scanning the rubble under the cover of darkness, I kept those thoughts largely to myself.  My wife, Kristi, knew.  Jaret knew.  But I didn't say much to anyone else because there was still much I wanted to see unfold.  This was not going to be my plan - it would be GOD'S plan.  And that is often hard to decipher, isn't it??...

I made a decision that, at the time, I didn't understand the ramifications of.  On April 5th, I shared in a private Facebook group of Independent Christian Church ministers (and families) a post...  I asked for prayer.  And I did so for a couple reasons: 1) because of the challenge our family had faced in the death of our son months ago (asking for prayer is a good thing, right?!), and 2) to ask if anyone could share potential ministry openings on our behalf.  And that is when things went into motion...things I didn't know about behind the scenes...

That afternoon I received a phone call from a man named Kirk.  My name had been given to him by another man I did not know, Chuck.  We finally had an opportunity to speak that day - I immediately felt a connection to Kirk.  His kindness and understanding was clear.  A week later, an interview was set up for me to speak with the search team at the First Christian Church in Shelbina, Missouri.  I had prayed about this.  I had discussions with Kristi and the kids.  I did my research.  I prepared myself for potential aspects of our discussion.  I knew this COULD be the beginning of a crazy ride...  In short, I wanted this to be a "GOD-MOMENT" - that if anything were to happen, it's because HE was going to put it together...

In less than a half-hour following the interview, Kirk sent me a text...  The search team wanted us to come to Missouri.  I was blown away - deeply humbled.  I enjoyed the conversation that night, sent a follow-up email with some added details I thought might be helpful to them.  But I didn't expect such a quick response.  And over the course of the last week or so, I've had an opportunity to get to know some of their people through Facebook postings, private messages, and phone calls.  I've had other conversations that have been extremely positive and helpful.  One thing seems to becoming clear: GOD has His fingerprints all over this...

On May 6-9 we will be traveling to be with them.  I am honored and humbled by this...  Our family is truly excited.  We love our BCC church family - but we also know that CHANGE is a part of the process of life...  God always has His chosen people on the move - literally & figuratively.  We are grateful for the love shown to us - by those in Shelbina, and by the understanding of our church family in Brooksville.  We do not want this process to be ugly or painful...we'd rather see this as a movement of God.  And when that becomes clear, it's hard for any of us to deny this is THE right thing to do.  Sometimes...sometimes, His will for our lives - well, it just becomes clear.  When all of us see that - it's a beautiful thing...

We know there is more to the process of all of this coming together.  We're just going to go to Missouri in a couple weeks and enjoy the moments.  We'll let God sort out the rest of the details, and if this is to be finalized.  My family and I have been through a lot in the last four-plus months.  A trip to Missouri??  That's pretty simple when compared to the rest...  We've trusted HIM this far ---- we'll just continue to let HIM put together the rest...  We trust Him, because of this:

"And we know that in ALL THINGS (emphasis mine) God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28