And when that happens, you become "task-oriented"... Ministry becomes a series of jobs to be done; a checklist of items that must be finalized each week because you run week-to-week in this life. (Great irony: as I type this blog, someone stopped in to see me and talk.) Sunday's come - many things to be completed. Wednesday is almost here - a Bible study to prepare & finalize. Devotionals to write. Meetings to attend. Research to dive into. People to minister to. The list goes on...
And all it takes to become cynical and callous is to let a few tough people in your life convince you that EVERYONE has an agenda. A hidden one...a selfish one...a hurtful one. And it becomes easy (and in our minds, probably necessary) to build walls and put everyone at a safe distance.
And that's where I WAS... Emphasis on WAS.
All that changed for me on December 9, 2015... The day I lost my son to a tragic death that was totally unexpected.
Disclosure number two: I have never been an overly emotional person. I have faced different emotions in the course of my life, but the goal was to hide it. Don't let anyone see it. For me, the goal become to pretend they don't exist - fight back tears. Hold it in. Be tough... Because that's what being a man is about, right?...
On that tragic night I watched my kids have an emotional experience I hope I never witness again. I saw my wife at her worst moment. I was numb. This couldn't be real. If there was ever a definition for the term "surreal" - I was experiencing it to the maximum.
And I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to. And again, I tried to hold everything inside and hide it. Suppress it. Not only that night...but I did so for weeks - which became months. But I reached a point where I simply couldn't do that anymore. I had to let that stuff OUT. And one way you do that is by letting others IN. Not everyone - because I knew not everyone could handle this. But those closest to me...I finally let them in.
Slowly - in a day-by-day process, I started to get in touch with my emotions. I had to, or it would have destroyed me. I'm not perfect at it (who is?). But I'm getting there...
And the greatest thing God has done with this part of me: he's shown me how to care for OTHERS again. To have real compassion - "to suffer with." To step into their feelings and to understand where they're coming from - and the depth of that pain.
Yesterday, April 27, 2016 - will be a moment I will never forget. I found myself in a hospital room in Tampa sitting with a man named Nick, as well as his mother. Before December 9th, I never even knew who Nick was. But now he's a friend for life...
You see, Nick is a recipient of one of my son's organs - a kidney. Without going into great detail, we discovered each other through Facebook. The details lined up - clearly Nick was the man who had received Jaret's organ donation. Yesterday, we met face-to-face for the first time. It was an overwhelming moment. Nick shared his story - and it was a long journey of pain, waiting, discouragement and hope. But he still has a long battle ahead. As I listened, my heart was breaking. I realized: every single one of us has "a story" - don't we...
As we were getting ready to leave, we wanted to have prayer together. The four of us held hands - Kristi & I, and Nick & his mom. I led the prayer. I got about 3 sentences in, and I just broke down in tears...I couldn't even say another word. I tried again, but nothing would come out. And instead of being ashamed of that moment, I just stopped... And something happened: the four of us simply collapsed on each other in one big hug. We just held each other. I didn't say much more...I couldn't. I knew in that one moment that all of my pain AND all of my joy collided... All I could say was "God, be with Nick...help him get well...we love him. In Jesus' name, Amen."
I am a broken man...but I am not broke.
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